Citizens! Consumers! Slaves to the Bourgeois Capitalist Agenda! Attention:
My name is Daniel Tiberius Havoc. I'm typing this to act as a dated, logged, and easily-accessible item of evidence for the defense of my very good friend/the hapless rube who was foolish enough to give me the Admin password to this website, Tony. In a move of shocking naiveté totally unbecoming someone who has seen me drunk as often as he has, Tony asked me the other day to rewrite the product descriptions on the website to give them a little more "pizzaz." Now, anyone who is familiar with the Rube Goldbergian way my brain works will (correctly) assume that, rather than describing the products accurately and succinctly, I would take this opportunity to prattle on nonsensically and long-windedly, with the end result being what my grandmother would have likely termed "gobbledegook." And they would be correct.
At any rate, just in case you happen to be sifting through the aforementioned gobbledegook and run across some morsel of BRILLIANT HILARITY that somehow strikes you as objectionable, I am hereby taking full responsibility and alleviating Mr. Fennen of any, save that of allowing me to use his computer. In summation, if it's long-winded and confusing and overuses parentheses, I'm to blame. Unless it's some nonsense about conspiracy theories or karma or something, then it's all that headcase...
Also, buy stuff from this website. Every item you purchase from RandomThings.co, even if it's nothing at all to do with Danny Havoc or The Nation of Intoxication, gets me one step closer to sleeping on a mattress.
-DH, Professional Wrestler/Screen Printing Apprentice/Abuser of Run-On Sentences